XIII
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  • Ubisoft Entertainment
  • ?
  • Action - Shooter - First Person (example - Quake)
  • 11/1/2004
  • 1-4
  • memory card
  • 1
  • $4.00
  • Mature
4  |  Warning contains ranty spoilers:
fishbulb , 12/12/2003 8:32:36 AM
When I first started thinking of ways to write a review of XIII, my initial plan was to draw a little comic strip in which a couple of people were discussing the game, because that would be oh so witty and classy, since the game looks like a comic book (actually its based on a French comic book that no one in the United States has read since it has never been translated or published in the US). See the wit? Its massive. It would have looked like a comic book, just like the game! I rule! Instead, I drew this

YEAH THATS RIGHT! EAT IT YOU WHORES!
I was going to be forgiving to your incredibly generic, sub Goldeneye FPSer game because it has a lot of style and I'm a huge sucker for political intrigue plots, and government conspiracy theories even if they start with the biggest cliché in the history of writing. I just really enjoy stories about evil politicians who conspire to kill each other and screw over the general populace for some reason. Also, the President who gets assassinated at the beginning of the game looks a lot like Kennedy, and has a brother who is also a politician and I've always had a bizzare interest in that assassination. The graphics are cool, cel-shaded to look like a comic book (or, for you comic book illiterates, like Viewtiful Joe not that I have the slightest idea what a Viewtiful is), and I love comic books. So, it was like the game was designed specifically for my dumb ass. So, despite the fact that the game was pretty generic for the FPSer genre, with straightforward level design, and no creativity besides requiring you to be sneaky way too much and brilliantly hiding keys to open doors directly behind doors that you needed a different key to open, I was going to give it a moderately favorable review.

Then, I finished it. See, when I was approaching the end of the game, the plot seemed to go really quickly, skimming over important facts and information with brief descriptions and cut-scenes, I started to get worried. What happened to the enjoyable plot I was experiencing? I was hoping and assuming that at the end, there would be a nice ending which answered the dangling plot points and helped flesh out the story. I mean, I can't read the comic books since they've never come out in the U.S. and I'm not French, so I need some closure. So, after I killed all of the other numerical conspirators who dress like the KKK and the frighteningly named super world famous assassian THE MONGOOSE (I guess thats a spoiler, sorry), there was only revealing the identity of the mythical 'Number I' left to kill or at least discover. The game gives me another level, in which I walk around a yacht for a few minutes and eventually end up downstairs, where I find out that that bastard THE MONGOOSE was not dead, of course, and I discover that the mythical 'Number I' was, THE BROTHER OF THE PRESIDENT, and his goon squad pulls guns on my unarmed butt, and then

TO BE CONTINUED

WHAT THE CRAP HELL?!?!?! (sorry, that was more spoilers) Games end with 'to be continued' now? How does this work? Are you so confident that your 3rd generation Unreal engine abusing game is going to warrant a sequel? CUZ I SURE AS HELL AIN'T! Thats like beating Bowser and having Toad show up again and say 'I'm sorry, but our Princess is in another castle' and then getting 45 minutes of credits. NO! You save the Princess, she isn't in another fricking castle! Thats like starting to fight with Golbez, and right when you learn that theres a greater evil and he's going to help you fight it, you get an ad for FFV (which of course had nothing to do with the plot of FFVI and didn't come out in the United States for like a decade, but I'm trying to make a point here). NO! I know, I know, thousands of games have been made that don't even have plots, and you can play Asteroids for 9080234 levels without an 'ending' but when you have a plot, when one of the only things about your game that isn't mediocre is its plot, you GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE! So, if you don't mind being blatantly abused by game developers and playing a mediocre FPSer by all means go and run out and get your hands on XIII.

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