E.T. The Extra- Terrestrial
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  • Atari
  • Atari
  • Action - General, Other
  • 1982
  • 1
  • none
  • ?
  • $1.00
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1  |  E.T.: The Redundant Title reviewed.
chick3_16 , 5/27/2003 12:09:42 PM
The Extra Terrestrial was implied with E.T. Considering how everyone in 1982 had seen the movie (I did, and I was 2), it's hard to believe that anyone wouldn't know what E.T. stood for.

Then again, the way this abomination turned out, it's hard to believe Atari was thinking at all. When Seanbaby calls your game the worst of all time in EGM magazine, you know it's a bad game.

Now which movie hunk is hotter, Tom Cruise or Antonio Banderas? Since this game is already getting a ZERO rating, I can waste space rating the hunks and saying how Homsar, whose shirt I'm wearing now, could program a better game.

But I won't. E.T. is all about finding the pieces of a phone and using them to "phone home". Of course, the pieces have all fallen into wells. E.T. must go down there, get the pieces, and levitate his...levitate hi...levi...levitate hi...levit... Most of your time and energy (E.T.'s and yours) is spent trying to get E.T. out of the badly placed wells. I played this game at a very young age, and I had the energy. If I tried it now, it'd be in the oven on high heat in about 2 minutes, with the joystick frying in the microwave for 10 hours.

True story. We lent our Atari 2600 (complete with E.T. and Pac Man carts) to my aunt, who promptly had her apartment burn down. The two bad games died a good and deserved death, but I was saddened by the loss of our other 20 good games.

Of course, the game can't get any worse, can it? Sure it can! There are three difficulty levels, one where Elliot (some red striped thing) roams around (and does nothing), one where you add a scientist (white blob), and one where an FBI agent is included as well . Get caught by the scientist or the F.B.I. and you end up in a sad rendition of Washington DC. I mean really sad. It only adds to the frustration of the game.

Sound effects? You're better off hitting mute, and then turning down the volume after that. They're that bad.

Graphics? Those are some strange looking wells they got there, and the forest looks like a random pattern one would produce after taking ecstacy, herion, and a toke of weed, drinking a few Budweisers, spinning around 19 times (exactly 19 times, no more, no less) and then sitting down to program.

Of course, E.T. wasn't all bad. The game was horrible, and it helped sink Atari and make a New Mexico landfill famous. But the game was pretty good for a 6 week rush job. Atari simply wanted the carts out by Christmas 1982, and didn't care what the finished product was, as long as it had that $20 million name on it. Sort of like Krusty merchandise.

So here's the verdict in case you weren't reading. The unused games are crushed, and sitting under a block of concrete in a desert landfill which no doubt reeks of leachates and other fine disposables in a land where recycling had yet to take hold. They sit next to 5 million Pac Man carts that didn't sell becuase the game was absolute &*$% and becuase they made 12 million copies for an estimated 10 million consoles. The game is much more fun in that rotten state than it ever was as a working cartridge. The most fun those cartridges ever produced was when the bulldozer guys got to smash them. And trust me, smashing things is fun, especially useless things.

In the words of Strong Bad (dressed as Homestar Runner), E.T. sets a new standard for last place. It doesn't even get a "Ding". As you've no doubt noticed, it doesn't even deserve to be called a game. It's more of a quick ticket to the insane asylum, or something to do while stoned and/or drunk. I recommend neither. If you own such a cart, I recommend having a smashing good time with it.

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