you worry about a thing, little child. Michael Jackson is here to save
you. As he shows his magical crotch to you, you'll be able to get up,
look around... AND RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND.
Everything about Michael Jackson's Moonwalker
is magical. Michael's hands, his feet, his hat, and his fanTAStic pink
tie. In the early days of the Genesis, there was Moonwalker, Thunder Force
II, and Altered Beast. That was about it. At the time (early 90s), I
just thought that Michael Jackson was a just fading pop star, and that his game
was a very poorly done side-scrolling "beat-em-up." Looking
back, I can see that the programmers of Moonwalker were capable of seeing into
Your mission in Moonwalker is to free children that are locked up and / or
tied up in closets and the trunks of cars. Some guy named Mr. Bi or Big or
something stole all the rug rats, and it's high time Michael Jackson suited up
and rescued them. See, back in those days, the name Jackson was almost
heroic - there was no jumping off of balconies at the first sign of a child
shortage. Anyway, I digress. You, as Michael, rescue kids and move
to the right as much as you can. Any time Michael rescues one of these
children, he spins and does that patented Michael Jackson
pelvis-thrust-hand-thingy. That seems like it'd be just fine, on the
surface of things (welcome to Michael's life). At left, you can see what
this ends up looking like in Moonwalker. Michael has his hand behind the
head of a little girl - a tied up, sobbing little girl... While he
um... Presents himself.
a relatively normal, football loving guy, I couldn't help but feel completely
emasculated while playing Moonwalker. I simply can't believe
how big of a role fairy dust plays in this game. It's Michael's
main "weapon", for heaven's sake. When you are faced with a mean
ol' crowd of bad guys, you'd better be one fairy dust slinging fool. This
game is about Michael Jackson, when he was REALLY Michael Jackson, before the
media and his own misguided actions turned him into "Jacko." So,
there is some cool stuff along those lines, like dancing. You can take out
a whole group of bad guys by forcing them to dance. But even the cool
stuff isn't cool. I mean, you get to throw your hat like Kung
Lao, and that SHOULD be cool, but there's no blood as you waste your
foes. You can do sweet special moves, but they make you weaker.
And you can spin. Spinning, ESPECIALLY when combined with
fairy dust, could never be cool in the eyes of the average guy. Yeah,
sure, Yoshimitsu spins, too - but he spins with a sword. And even that's
not all that cool - he gets all dizzy and falls down like a pansy afterwards.
I think that Michael had a big say in the game mechanics of Moonwalker.
This is part of the reason why Moonwalker sucks. I can almost see Michael
Jackson's handlers telling the programmers that Jacko wasn't to make contact
with any villain.
Mr. Jackson doesn't want this game to be violent."
"But, but - our biggest sellers are fighting games. I don't know if I
can program anything else!"
"Look kid, I just got back from the artist's department, and they weren't
too happy about putting a rainbow on the cover of the game, but they did
it. Are you a team player, kid?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Good, cause the game has to have a lot of kids in it. Mr. Jackson loves
The fact that this is a 16-bit game based on a movie doesn't help
either. Now, that's not to say that Moonwalker is all that bad. I
don't mean the game, here. The game obviously sucks big time. Given
the topic, the artists and programmers did a great job. The animation was
spectacular (which, if I recall correctly, Sega was really proud of). It's
a very collectible game because it's unique. Hey - remember, there are
sequels for a reason - "unique" is usually another word for
I don't know what to give this game as a final score. On one hand, I'm
having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror with any manner of
pride. On the other hand, this game will someday be worth money, and I
like money. Hmmm. Well, I'll give it a 4/10. (Failure - play at
your own risk).