Captain Comic
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1  |  Captain Comic Review (NES)
larsoncc , 1/14/2003 7:59:19 PM
Title Screen (pic) Crappy Adventures Await (pic)

I absolutely hate this game.  There is simply no reason to play Captain Comic, but for that feeling of intense self-loathing.  I wanted to think "Hey, this game is rare - it's like writing history!", but that feeling quickly passed.  So, here's the deal:

I'm going to review this game drunk. Why not?  Think of this as a public service announcement, especially if I come away liking this game.  It's what cops do when they want to show that your reaction times are hampered by alcohol.  They do all kinds of stupid stuff, like get on the radio and talk to DJs.   I'll be back in about an hour and a half, with my thoughts - and any spelling errors intact, I assure you.  And I know you're just thinking "Nah, he won't get hammered and do this - he'll just say he is."  I'll do my best to provide some manner of proof.

(later)

The harsedt part (damn, one word into it, and I misspelled hardest) of reviewing this game is pondering WHY.  Look carefully at the intro screen.  You'll see two names; these will be the first people shot dead when the revolution finally comes.

Another terrible in-game shot (pic) Two people.  That's who put this game together.  And it's obvious that Henderson was high the whole time, whichj essentially left the whole job to that other guy, Nike.  Ki Mike.  ERRR!  MIKE.  Jeez.  Anyway.  Henderson is a total gay guy.  Check out the screen above.  Two words: PINK ASTRONAUT.  OK, three more: WHAT THE HELL.  I'll post a screen shot for this paragraph, too, and I'll be really creaful because I'm slaughtering this quality review with my inept use of the keyboard.  Wish me luck.

OK, the length of time that it took me to do that picture is reassurance that I CAN type.  It just takes for-damn-ever.  But, since I can't read the above paragraph, it's obvious that I need to take some time here.

Anyway, there is really no purpose to Captain Comic - you stroll along, and at first, you can't even shoot the stupid worms and birds that are assaulting you at every possible moment.  You have to collect some sort of glowing blob.  When you walk, it's like youre walking on ice, and the jumps are all floaty.  It's my assumption that the reason for this is that Captain Comic is totally gay.  One item of note - no duck button.  So you can't shoot the worms.  The glowing, hidious worms.  If this were a Hitchcock game, I'd totally be like, wow! Hitchcock re-did "Birds" with a pink astronaut!  Cool!....?

The next level has classical music.  I heard this music before in Sierra's Jawbreaker.  I think that's sad.  I don't know the name of the composer or anything, just the fact that it was in another video game.  Enough of this.  Even alcohol can't save this game.

I give Captain Comic 1/10 (flunking, in the most painful way).

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